Pain to Hope

It is four days into Spring and I am watching the snow fall outside my office window. I don't so much mind the grey, chilly day that is accompanying the snow. In fact, it is almost a comfort. The last few days I have felt a little empty inside, maybe even a little lost with ever so many questions on my mind. I silence them to the best of my ability though. What's the use in indulging in wonder and worry? Time reveals what is to come to pass.

Anyone in pain knows how annoying it can be to hear phrases like that about time. Such as, "time heals all wounds". "Just give it time." Just as we know hearing those phrases can be irritating, we also know that they are true. I believe that perhaps we never live so much so in the present as we do when we are in pain. It feels like there is no escape. It's difficult to see tomorrow and the past only ignites the pain with memories of someone or something lost. It is when we are in pain that we tend to call on certain people in lives more so than any other time and it is sadly when we tend to pray more so than when things are going good in our lives. I try to make it a point to pray at happy points in my life and to express my thanks, but I am afraid I call on my Father more often than not in times of doubt, worry and sadness. I cry, I get angry, I say, "why me?" How selfish of a prayer is that? My guilt kicks in before I am through and I always make sure to name off some things I am thankful for to give thanks to Him and to remind myself that I do have other things in my life to be happy about.

This reminds me of something I have come across a few times recently while reading about passionate and creative people. If I am anything in this life, I am passionate. It is evident when I am on stage, working on a project I care about, with my family and friends, in love and in pain. I realize loving a passionate person is not easy to do and not for everyone. Boy, do I know this. In my readings I noticed the mention of keeping a gratitude journal several times. This ties in with my reminding myself what I am thankful for when I choose to speak to God. A gratitude journal could be a great way to look back at different things I have been thankful for over time. It could bring me joy in times of hardship. It could be a good reminder of my ever evolving world.

So while it might be overcast and snowing outside my window, I am thankful that I am here to see it. I am hopeful that one day, on a day like today, I will be leaving my office to enjoy watching the snowfall   in the arms of the man that I am in love with and he in love with me.

Randomish Thoughts

Sigh... wish we could erase some of the past. Both in yours and mine.

Don't say anything that you would rather I not remember.

I hate the word "attractive" when you are referencing others.

At-ttrac-tive: (of a person) appealing to look at; sexually alluring... in short - someone you want to fuck. In other words, makes me rethink this.

Who is attractive to me? The person I am with. End of story.

I should feel the same from my partner.

People, be happy with what you have. If you are not happy with what you have (you are looking elsewhere) then show respect for the person you're with and walk away. They deserve better than you're looking. I don't care if there was no acting upon.

It's not all bad. The thoughts above I have had for a long, long time and discussed with people I've been in relationships with.

You said you didn't cheat. You said you never wanted to. The latter of that eased me more so after having come after the initial statement.

So maybe you agree with my seventh thought here...

That would win me over.

I want so much out of this life that involves mine being intertwined with another. My thoughts keep that from happening.

Find a like minded partner.

Noted.

Asking too much?

No such thing.

Happy thoughts.

Your kisses keep me guessing. Slow, soft kisses that send chills along my skin. Fast, hard, hot kisses that can lead to more...or more kisses. Smoochy pecks in between. Kisses that go from my mouth to ear to neck and then back to my mouth. They're all my favorite.

Roaming hands are also a favorite of mine.

My fingers in your hair while we kiss or make love. That's a reserved intimate move for me. Not for just anyone.

Feeling one thing while feeling another.

Questioning.

Wanting.

Hoping.

Daydreaming. Like all the time. Daydreaming. Of you.

Excitement every time my cell chimes.

A little bummed when it's someone else.

Happiness is you calling me any pet name lately.

Wanting to look good. In general.

Having a goal.

Running. Sweet freedom.

Acting. There's no other rush like it.

Posting this without caring what you think of me. Talk to me. Shut me out.

As soon as I typed "shut me out", I made a wish that you wouldn't. Ever.

My life - not yet complete, but this is not a bad thing. I say it in a hopeful manner. I'm excited for what's to come. To be proven wrong in what I learned from the men I was with. To be happy. Simply happy.

WTH Am I Doing?

Someday I will be consistent with this blog. I think I'm going to make a bet with myself that for now I will attempt at least one post a week. I'm guessing my posts will mainly consist of theatre and running related topics as these are the activities consuming my world currently. My mind is all over the place though, so don't hold me to that. There's something else...or I should say someone else, on my mind these days too. So that might get slipped in.
At a dinner party this past weekend, someone asked me what my blog was about. I sited my tagline.

For now, I am currently kicking off "Hell Week" for my current show, "Fertilizer". Hell week is the week leading up to a show that consists of technical and dress rehearsals. We are completely off book and on our own now. No calling for lines from the stage manager. If you blank, you either hope your fellow actors will help you out or you wing it. "Show conditions people", as the director would say. These are the rehearsals where we take all of the dialogue and blocking that we have learned and we make our character our own. I love these rehearsals. I think about the audience reactions that are to come in just a few short days. I thrive off audience reaction. You hold for laughs so no dialogue is lost, you hear the gasps of shock when they've pieced something together and you feel the change of atmosphere as they sob. Every show is different! Responses vary from audience to audience.
We will run for two weekends then I will have three days before rehearsals for my next show will begin.

The rehearsal schedule for "Let's Murder Marsha" will be much more intense as we only have a month before we open. I look to have a rehearsal every week night in March as opposed to our regular Monday/Tuesday schedule leading up to hell week.
So far, I have nothing planned right after the close of LMM and I believe I will need a little break.

Yesterday I auditioned for a show that will perform at the Fringe Festival in July. I should hear something from them over the next two weeks.

Well, I'm about to work on my other activity, running. It's sunny and warmer today than it has been, but it sounds awfully windy.

Goals

Resolutions seem to always fail and just because we are in January of a new year does not mean that what I aspire to accomplish this year has to be referred to as such. I'm always making small goals for myself whether it be in my performing, my wanting to stay physically fit or strengthening my relationships.

This time last year I announced my goal to run the half marathon at the Kansas City Marathon in October. By May I finally got up the guts to register (on half off the half day :) - those of you who know my frugality will understand) and prepare myself. I ran on weekdays, weekends, mornings, evenings and on vacation. I had done 11 races, including 5K's, an 8K, a 10K and 2 several mile mud obstacle courses, by my half marathon race day. It was hovering around freezing that morning when two of my friends picked me up to drive me to the race and cheer me on. I don't ever remember feeling nervous that morning. There was no going back and I knew I could do this.

The amount of people was crazy. I wasn't even inside the barricades when the gun went off and several minutes went by before anyone around me was able to start moving. Approaching the mat at the start line where my chip timer would begin gave me an adrenaline rush that would last until mile 11 of the race. I just took it all in really. The race started off with us running through downtown so I enjoyed the views then listened to the music that overpowered my iPhone tunes from performers along the street. It wasn't just people performing or spectating/cheering along the roadside either. People were full on tailgating while watching the thousands of runners pass by. They had their smokey joes out, grilling burgers and hot dogs while I logged my seventh mile. Then the tricky part came.

Sometime before the bbq aroma, I realized that after all the water I had consumed pre-race, I needed to use the restroom. Like now. Every couple of miles there were Johnny on the Spots with long lines in front of them. So mile after mile I continued to pass up the opportunity and I passed up water for a while as to not add to the already miserable situation. Plus my last "water" cup contained gatorade, which came as a shock.
 When you're running, you have nothing but time to think. In this case I spent miles 2 through 10 thinking about relieving myself and how great that would be. I was also calculating the time for a porta potty break. It is a race after all. Mile 9 consisted of both a water and porta potty stop where much of the group pulled off creating long lines again. I whimperingly passed this mile marker just knowing I would have to wait another two miles before there would be porta potties on the route again. Coming around a bend to mile marker 10 was like seeing the gates of heaven... wait, what? Ok, so it was just a row of Johnny on the Spots with no waiting! So at that moment after running with a full bladder for nearly 8 miles and depriving myself of anymore intake of fluids, it felt like heaven. I literally ran in, leaving my mile pacers side and ran out rubbing hand sanitizer in between my hands as I sped up to meet with my pacing group once again. I took a deep breath of relief, giving myself a mental pat on the back and then buckled down to finish strong in the last 3.1 miles.
So that was it! I was down to a 5K left. I thought back to all those mornings I ran races that were only 5K's and I said to myself, "I got this". I pushed hard to get from the back of my pacing group to the front. I experienced a period of slight boredom in miles 11 and 12, but then I got into focus for the grand finale. I saw Kenyan's (presumably - is that wrong?) passing me at mile 12 that were at double that milage running the full marathon. Then I passed my final mile marker, came around a street corner and took in my final stretch of the race to the finish line.
As I got closer the crowds grew thicker of people hoping to spot their family member or friend. My legs were heavy; probably the heaviest they've ever felt in my life. I wanted to sprint, but I couldn't get my legs to rotate fast enough. Then I heard someone yelling above the crowd. I heard my name. I looked ahead to my right to spot my two friends yelling at me to "finish strong" and hell, since now I had an audience I had to give all I had left. I sprinted as fast as my legs could carrying me across that finish line feeling completely exhilarated and more accomplished than I had in a long time when a Chick Fil A sandwich was tossed at me. I quickly reacted and caught it having no clue what was going on. I looked at the sandwich and thought, "Huh. Really?" But I quickly went back to feeling pretty damn pleased with myself. Then a man wrapped a heat sheet around before I came to where the medals were being handed out. I proudly put the medal around my neck after a quick debate about neck sweat getting on the ribbon in my head. I grabbed and downed nearly an entire bottle of water before my friends met up with me. I was ridiculously pumped for a person who had just finished running 13.1 miles. I was jumping up and down, mainly to keep my calf muscles from tightening up. At any rate my friends thought I was insane and should be worn out. I tied my heat sheet at my neck making it like a cape that caused me to feel like Wonder Woman and I was off to get my post race beer... and eat that sandwich (shame, shame).
 I ran errands with my friends that day, never napped and acted in our second performance of 'Moon Over Buffalo' that night. I was continually moving and stretching in our small quarters backstage much to my fellow cast members delight. That evening, post show, I marveled at the day I had just had and smiled. I do recall moments in those first few miles where I got misty eyed thinking of my Dad who can now barely walk due to his MS and here his daughter was running in a half marathon. I would later post a picture of myself after the race with my medal on Facebook dedicating my race to my parents. My Mom immediately commenting that her and my Dad had followed me on my race and were overwhelming with pride made me tear up and feel very loved.

So that was the story of my big goal for 2013... didn't realize I was going there in this post... now I need to get on with 2014. One can probably guess that my goal for this year is to run the full Kansas City Marathon this fall. Don't get me wrong, I want to do this and I am determined to put this goal in the books, but I think when I register... I might throw up a little.

I also recently came across four script ideas I had jotted down nearly two years ago and I have decided to run with one of them. After completing a playwriting course in college I was convinced I was too detailed a writer for strictly dialogue, but I am determined (there's that word again) to give this script idea my best shot. If it sucks, it sucks. Who will know except for a couple of family members and friends I may pass it along to if they're lucky... or unlucky depending on how bad it is.

I would say one of my goals is to blog more, but I don't want to set myself up for failure. I am, however, writing more in my personal journal so that's something.
I have a few other little goal ideas floating around this cluttered mind of mine, but the ones above are the biggies and thus more worthy of sharing.

While blogging didn't make the goal cut, a theatre update will soon follow.

Foreshadow

Funny how you can have a feeling about something before it happens. This morning I realized I was happy. I've been content with life, not terribly stressed or dealing with drama. Then it struck me, "Oh no" and lead me to jotting down something, which turned into what is below. As a I started to type this here...the phone rang. This was fifteen minutes ago and I still feel something from it I can't explain. Shock perhaps? That I was so right about my feelings this morning. Dread. It's like a wave of upset through my entire body. I didn't answer the call. Then texts back to back. One from the last person I would ever want to hear from in the entire world and one from the person I love hearing from the most. The last thing I want to appear as is the negatively complicated girl with drama clinging to her, especially since it's not really true. The chapter must be shut once and for all.



If you see me out
you're crossing the room
eyes locked on me,
know it's not going to end with a kiss
After a few, 
don't call me
Never show up my doorstep
to love me for the night
If you think you made a mistake,
well it's too late
I'm doing fine
Just like you said I would
when you watched all those tears 
for you fall
The ghost of you killed me
for so long
I don't need to see your face
to know I'll be alright
And you don't need to see
to know you're going to miss mine
So I don't need you
trying to tell me 
how it can be different this time
Nothings changed
I'm the same girl
with a few more scars 
and I'm worth so much more
So you live with your mistake 
And I'll forget mine 

Theatre Photo Dump

So it has occurred to me that I discuss all these shows that I have been in and while I have photos from nearly every show, I have failed to share any. That said, this post will consist of photos from most of the shows I have been involved in since the latter half of college. So let's begin this trip down memory lane, shall we?

This is a clipping from my colleges newspaper from when I was in the main stage production, Belle's Stratagem. Corsets, petty coats, wigs... oh my! Belle's was a tedious production in which we were directed to face out to the audience standing dead center in squares that were painted on the racked stage for the first Act. Second Act was a free for all. 

These are also from a main stage production in college of Macbeth. I played one of the witches, but clearly we are not the hags the Bard envisioned. 'Macbeth's' was actually a night club where most of the action took place including sword fighting. Night two of the production, Macduff's wrist was actually cut during one of the fights causing blood to run down his arm and all around him on the stage floor as he continued the scene. The audience didn't have a clue. The ETM's came in to patch him up in the green room before the next scene. The show went on. 

The first photo there is with our director and professor, Dr. Herman. 

And no, I have never dressed like that in public. 

Now we skip some time and some shows because A. I have a photo of at least one show from this time I don't love and B. I graduated college and moved to Los Angeles... to become a ah-hem, movie star. I do, however, have a photo of myself somewhere dressed in my hippy garb from the set of 'Semi-Pro'. I was an extra in the stands. I met Woody Harrelson. He's short. 

Anyway, the above photo is from a rehearsal of my first show at a theatre that I have now performed at over ten times. This was fall 2008 in the show "Lying in State". I played 40 something Edna (age makeup was applied) whose ex husband, a State Senator, had just passed away. It was a comedy, I assure you. "Hello? Yes, I need to hire a bugler. No, not a burglar. Are you telling me I can actually hire a burglar??" Um, yes, I remember many of my lines from many of my shows. 

And here I am in Footloose the Musical where my mid-twenty something self plays a 16 year old high school cheerleader. I have to give myself props - that in fact is a high school cheerleaders uniform that I am in. 

Putting on lotion backstage because who wants flaky dry skinned legs in a full length gown on stage? Not I!

I was pretty much "drinking" through this entire show. Chris Gorman of Neil Simon's Rumors was a fun character to play. We performed this in a black box theatre setting so our set looks a little unconventional. 

The final moment of Act I, aka the moment my grandmother passes out in the audience during the second night of performances. Long story short, they really don't know what happened, but our 15 minute intermission became 45 minutes long as my grandmother was taken out by ambulance and taken to the hospital to eventually have a pace maker put in. Again, the show must go on and that it did. 

Then I fulfilled a bucket list wish of playing Shelby in Steel Magnolias. Remember when I mentioned remembering lines from shows I had been in? I could do this show tonight. 

"I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." 

"It looks like a stuck pig bled all over my hands." 

"You know what Daddy always says, 'An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure'."

Children's Theatre Playwright's Festival Summer 2010. I was in two of the skits, one that played throughout. These photos are from 'Escapade'. Check me out in those rainbow suspenders! There was a mix of adult and children actors in each of these skits and we just had a blast. 

Olympia from 'A Flea in Her Ear' - Oct. 2010

During a dress rehearsal when coming down the stairs that were not visible to the audience, I slipped and landed on the stairs causing several cuts and bruises including one of each across my shoulder blades. My fellow actors helped me up so that I could run on stage and finish the scene. After that someone was always at the foot of the stairs to help me down. Aww. 

Woman in Black - Oct. 2010

This photo was a reenactment of the moment I was crossing the stage during a blackout at a dress rehearsal and the light board operator pulled up the lights on my cross... so I struck a pose. My costar here wanted in the photo to appear he was being attacked. 

The Farndale Avenue Housing Estate Townswomen's Guild Dramatic Society's Production of A Christmas Carol - Dec. 2010

That is a mouth full. Here I portrayed many characters as Felicity (pictured with 'outlandish prop'), a young woman in the Guild, playing the parts of Fred (pictured), a snowman, Ghost of Christmas Present, Fran, Old Joe and possibly some others, who knows. 

These last three shows were my overlapping shows at the end of 2010. I did not have a life outside of the theatre for at least three months. I took a Christmas break, but not before auditioning for my next role (below). 

Premiere! - Feb 2011 - Rebecca Fryman 

That dress apparently caused a stir... I'm not sure why...

The Dixie Swim Club - Spring 2011 - Jeri Neal 

Hopefully I will look nothing like this when I am actually pregnant. 

Hallelujah Girls - 2011 - Sugar Lee Thompkins 

"Spa Dee Da" 

This is the first time I ever lost my sh*t on stage in front of an audience. My costar and I were backstage when someone on stage referred to me as "Bunny Lee". My characters name was Sugar Lee and my arch enemies name was Bunny. I clapped my hands together creating a much louder sound than I intended causing the two of us to begin laughing when our cue to come on stage came up. The laughter continued as I nearly dropped a tool box on his foot. We were in complete hysterics, but as it turned out so was the audience! Before he could deliver his line about my getting him some coffee, I abruptly shouted, "I'll go get you some coffee" just so I could get off stage. My Mom who was in the audience that night said it was very much like watching the Carol Burnett show where they were constantly cracking each other up and the audience loved it. 

Bus Stop - 2012 - Cheri

This was the first show for my hometown's local theatre group. They had been out of commission for many years and I was honored to be a part of their opening season. This show was actually performed as a dinner theatre in the cafe that you see in the photo. Small quarters. In this show Cheri sings 'That Old Black Magic' with Virgil strumming his guitar in the background. 

Doubt - 2012 - Sister James

"I like Frosty the Snowman!" - my quote from this show written on the wall backstage. 

Odd Couple (Female Version) - 2013 - Olive Madison (Oscar if you're more familiar with the original)

It was fun to play the sloppy 'who gives a damn' character. "You leave little notes on my pillow. 'We're all out of Corn Flakes F.U.' It took my three hours to figure out F.U. was for Florence Ungar!!" 

See the birdie? 

Annie Get Your Gun - Summer 2013 - Dolly Tate
Me with some of my younger fans.

Moon Over Buffalo - Fall 2013 - Rosalind
I like the first photo here just because you can literally see me saying "You Are!"
In this role I had a great comedic monologue that I may store in my head for future auditions.

That is it, I believe, for the photos I have of most of theatre productions I have done in the past 7 - 8 years. Looking back and also though modeling shoots, runway shows and film endeavors I have to say I have done quite a bit. Who else can say they have photos of themselves with their hair decorated like that of a bulls horns? Yeah, we'll get to the runway/shoots later.
I have auditions in January for a show that was written by a local. Other than that, for now, I will enjoy the holiday season hoping Santa will bring me what I asked for. ;)

Christmas Ornament

So I was reminded of this pitiful blog I have yesterday and decided I should post something. Being that it is 8 days until one of my most favorite holidays, I have chosen to write something Christmas related.
I have actually found myself participating in one of those month long Instagram challenges just because it is Christmas themed... and it's kind of fun.
Day 8 was a picture of ornaments. I selected a few that I have gathered from some of my travels and made a pic stitch:

I think it may have started when I was 14 traveling with my grandparents and my brother by car to see Niagara Falls. At a rest stop on the way I found a brochure for Frankenmuth, MI also nicknamed "Little Bavaria". As if the German theme wasn't enough for me to want to go there, I also noticed it was home to the "World's Largest Christmas Store", or so they claimed. Bronner's Christmas Wonderland. A 7.35 acre building packed full with 800 animated figurines, christmas trees, lights, ornaments, nativity scenes and other collectibles?!? This I had to see! Not to mention the replica of Oberndorf, Austria, Silent Night Memorial Chapel. It sounded like a German/Christmas oasis the likes I wouldn't see until I was older and had money to travel to the Christkindlmarkt. Surprisingly, my blue puppy dog eyes worked on my drive by the Grand Canyon Grandfather and even my Granny seemed to not absolutely hate the idea. My little brother, however, I think was only in it for the food. 

I can picture Frankenmuth, MI's Bavarian village and Bronner's Christmas Wonderland like it was yesterday. The expansive store had Christmas trees hanging from the ceiling only to be met by more on the floor. Everywhere you looked there were twinkling lights and ornaments of all shapes, sizes and colors. I had to chose one to take home to remember this trip... this moment. So the trip was see Niagara and the falls were great and all, but this was the highlight for me. 

Ever since then I would make it a point to find a little Christmas shop or souvenir store where I could buy an ornament to add to my collection while on vacation. The ornaments either say where I was or are an obviously landmark for where I had visited. Sadly, this year I could not find my Tower Bridge ornament as I think it may be packed away in a storage unit. There's always next year...