Goals

Resolutions seem to always fail and just because we are in January of a new year does not mean that what I aspire to accomplish this year has to be referred to as such. I'm always making small goals for myself whether it be in my performing, my wanting to stay physically fit or strengthening my relationships.

This time last year I announced my goal to run the half marathon at the Kansas City Marathon in October. By May I finally got up the guts to register (on half off the half day :) - those of you who know my frugality will understand) and prepare myself. I ran on weekdays, weekends, mornings, evenings and on vacation. I had done 11 races, including 5K's, an 8K, a 10K and 2 several mile mud obstacle courses, by my half marathon race day. It was hovering around freezing that morning when two of my friends picked me up to drive me to the race and cheer me on. I don't ever remember feeling nervous that morning. There was no going back and I knew I could do this.

The amount of people was crazy. I wasn't even inside the barricades when the gun went off and several minutes went by before anyone around me was able to start moving. Approaching the mat at the start line where my chip timer would begin gave me an adrenaline rush that would last until mile 11 of the race. I just took it all in really. The race started off with us running through downtown so I enjoyed the views then listened to the music that overpowered my iPhone tunes from performers along the street. It wasn't just people performing or spectating/cheering along the roadside either. People were full on tailgating while watching the thousands of runners pass by. They had their smokey joes out, grilling burgers and hot dogs while I logged my seventh mile. Then the tricky part came.

Sometime before the bbq aroma, I realized that after all the water I had consumed pre-race, I needed to use the restroom. Like now. Every couple of miles there were Johnny on the Spots with long lines in front of them. So mile after mile I continued to pass up the opportunity and I passed up water for a while as to not add to the already miserable situation. Plus my last "water" cup contained gatorade, which came as a shock.
 When you're running, you have nothing but time to think. In this case I spent miles 2 through 10 thinking about relieving myself and how great that would be. I was also calculating the time for a porta potty break. It is a race after all. Mile 9 consisted of both a water and porta potty stop where much of the group pulled off creating long lines again. I whimperingly passed this mile marker just knowing I would have to wait another two miles before there would be porta potties on the route again. Coming around a bend to mile marker 10 was like seeing the gates of heaven... wait, what? Ok, so it was just a row of Johnny on the Spots with no waiting! So at that moment after running with a full bladder for nearly 8 miles and depriving myself of anymore intake of fluids, it felt like heaven. I literally ran in, leaving my mile pacers side and ran out rubbing hand sanitizer in between my hands as I sped up to meet with my pacing group once again. I took a deep breath of relief, giving myself a mental pat on the back and then buckled down to finish strong in the last 3.1 miles.
So that was it! I was down to a 5K left. I thought back to all those mornings I ran races that were only 5K's and I said to myself, "I got this". I pushed hard to get from the back of my pacing group to the front. I experienced a period of slight boredom in miles 11 and 12, but then I got into focus for the grand finale. I saw Kenyan's (presumably - is that wrong?) passing me at mile 12 that were at double that milage running the full marathon. Then I passed my final mile marker, came around a street corner and took in my final stretch of the race to the finish line.
As I got closer the crowds grew thicker of people hoping to spot their family member or friend. My legs were heavy; probably the heaviest they've ever felt in my life. I wanted to sprint, but I couldn't get my legs to rotate fast enough. Then I heard someone yelling above the crowd. I heard my name. I looked ahead to my right to spot my two friends yelling at me to "finish strong" and hell, since now I had an audience I had to give all I had left. I sprinted as fast as my legs could carrying me across that finish line feeling completely exhilarated and more accomplished than I had in a long time when a Chick Fil A sandwich was tossed at me. I quickly reacted and caught it having no clue what was going on. I looked at the sandwich and thought, "Huh. Really?" But I quickly went back to feeling pretty damn pleased with myself. Then a man wrapped a heat sheet around before I came to where the medals were being handed out. I proudly put the medal around my neck after a quick debate about neck sweat getting on the ribbon in my head. I grabbed and downed nearly an entire bottle of water before my friends met up with me. I was ridiculously pumped for a person who had just finished running 13.1 miles. I was jumping up and down, mainly to keep my calf muscles from tightening up. At any rate my friends thought I was insane and should be worn out. I tied my heat sheet at my neck making it like a cape that caused me to feel like Wonder Woman and I was off to get my post race beer... and eat that sandwich (shame, shame).
 I ran errands with my friends that day, never napped and acted in our second performance of 'Moon Over Buffalo' that night. I was continually moving and stretching in our small quarters backstage much to my fellow cast members delight. That evening, post show, I marveled at the day I had just had and smiled. I do recall moments in those first few miles where I got misty eyed thinking of my Dad who can now barely walk due to his MS and here his daughter was running in a half marathon. I would later post a picture of myself after the race with my medal on Facebook dedicating my race to my parents. My Mom immediately commenting that her and my Dad had followed me on my race and were overwhelming with pride made me tear up and feel very loved.

So that was the story of my big goal for 2013... didn't realize I was going there in this post... now I need to get on with 2014. One can probably guess that my goal for this year is to run the full Kansas City Marathon this fall. Don't get me wrong, I want to do this and I am determined to put this goal in the books, but I think when I register... I might throw up a little.

I also recently came across four script ideas I had jotted down nearly two years ago and I have decided to run with one of them. After completing a playwriting course in college I was convinced I was too detailed a writer for strictly dialogue, but I am determined (there's that word again) to give this script idea my best shot. If it sucks, it sucks. Who will know except for a couple of family members and friends I may pass it along to if they're lucky... or unlucky depending on how bad it is.

I would say one of my goals is to blog more, but I don't want to set myself up for failure. I am, however, writing more in my personal journal so that's something.
I have a few other little goal ideas floating around this cluttered mind of mine, but the ones above are the biggies and thus more worthy of sharing.

While blogging didn't make the goal cut, a theatre update will soon follow.

Foreshadow

Funny how you can have a feeling about something before it happens. This morning I realized I was happy. I've been content with life, not terribly stressed or dealing with drama. Then it struck me, "Oh no" and lead me to jotting down something, which turned into what is below. As a I started to type this here...the phone rang. This was fifteen minutes ago and I still feel something from it I can't explain. Shock perhaps? That I was so right about my feelings this morning. Dread. It's like a wave of upset through my entire body. I didn't answer the call. Then texts back to back. One from the last person I would ever want to hear from in the entire world and one from the person I love hearing from the most. The last thing I want to appear as is the negatively complicated girl with drama clinging to her, especially since it's not really true. The chapter must be shut once and for all.



If you see me out
you're crossing the room
eyes locked on me,
know it's not going to end with a kiss
After a few, 
don't call me
Never show up my doorstep
to love me for the night
If you think you made a mistake,
well it's too late
I'm doing fine
Just like you said I would
when you watched all those tears 
for you fall
The ghost of you killed me
for so long
I don't need to see your face
to know I'll be alright
And you don't need to see
to know you're going to miss mine
So I don't need you
trying to tell me 
how it can be different this time
Nothings changed
I'm the same girl
with a few more scars 
and I'm worth so much more
So you live with your mistake 
And I'll forget mine