It is four days into Spring and I am watching the snow fall outside my office window. I don't so much mind the grey, chilly day that is accompanying the snow. In fact, it is almost a comfort. The last few days I have felt a little empty inside, maybe even a little lost with ever so many questions on my mind. I silence them to the best of my ability though. What's the use in indulging in wonder and worry? Time reveals what is to come to pass.
Anyone in pain knows how annoying it can be to hear phrases like that about time. Such as, "time heals all wounds". "Just give it time." Just as we know hearing those phrases can be irritating, we also know that they are true. I believe that perhaps we never live so much so in the present as we do when we are in pain. It feels like there is no escape. It's difficult to see tomorrow and the past only ignites the pain with memories of someone or something lost. It is when we are in pain that we tend to call on certain people in lives more so than any other time and it is sadly when we tend to pray more so than when things are going good in our lives. I try to make it a point to pray at happy points in my life and to express my thanks, but I am afraid I call on my Father more often than not in times of doubt, worry and sadness. I cry, I get angry, I say, "why me?" How selfish of a prayer is that? My guilt kicks in before I am through and I always make sure to name off some things I am thankful for to give thanks to Him and to remind myself that I do have other things in my life to be happy about.
This reminds me of something I have come across a few times recently while reading about passionate and creative people. If I am anything in this life, I am passionate. It is evident when I am on stage, working on a project I care about, with my family and friends, in love and in pain. I realize loving a passionate person is not easy to do and not for everyone. Boy, do I know this. In my readings I noticed the mention of keeping a gratitude journal several times. This ties in with my reminding myself what I am thankful for when I choose to speak to God. A gratitude journal could be a great way to look back at different things I have been thankful for over time. It could bring me joy in times of hardship. It could be a good reminder of my ever evolving world.
So while it might be overcast and snowing outside my window, I am thankful that I am here to see it. I am hopeful that one day, on a day like today, I will be leaving my office to enjoy watching the snowfall in the arms of the man that I am in love with and he in love with me.
