2016 Goals

Ok, so I'm a slacker. Four posts in 2015?!? Four??
Oh my. Well, in keeping true to my slackerdom, I am just now getting around my my 2016 goals.
I was inspired by a youtube beauty guru to make my goals and write them down. I have been watching Sam Scheurman's daily family vlogs and beauty videos for years and since she has moved to Tahoe and been attending more beauty events, I have seen other gurus in her videos. Recently I decided to check out some of the other ladies channels. I like to see what products they are using on their skin and which lipsticks won't dry out my lips or rub off on my boyfriend (if I decided to wear lipstick). Summer Saldana's channel was different. I watched a couple of her videos posted since the new year where she discussed changing her youtube content to what was on her heart to share and when she wanted to share it. She no longer feels the need to be trendy or on some made up schedule in order to be popular on youtube. I liked that. Plus she seems to be pretty thrifty, which I love.
Anyway, her first video that spoke to me was the one where she announced the above changes and used the term "taking the pressure off". I felt compelled to comment on the video.

I am freshly new to your channel after having seen you in Sam Scheurman's vlogs. I have to say, I love what you said at the beginning of your video. "Taking the pressure off" is something I need in my life as well, so I completely sympathize with you. In my case, I work three jobs, act, have a boyfriend (after not having one for quite a while and we're over 5mos so meeting family and friends and moving forward is happening), I'm a runner (training for my second marathon), I take on various projects, try to have a social life, am very close with my family whom I try not to neglect after losing my Dad, Grandma and Aunt last year and bottom line is I try to be everything for everyone. Sometimes I think I forget who I am and what I want/need. I do love that you are a woman of faith and are open about that fact. That is an area of my life that I am excited about right now with combining my talent/passion of acting and being an active member of my church by performing in my churches Passion play that will open Passover weekend.

All that to say, I feel ya and I am loving that phrase, "taking the pressure off" and I will think of that moving forward through this year as I work on myself and learn to say, "no thank you" once in a while.

So basically, I never say "no" and I take on a ton of stuff making me feel overwhelmed and stressed. Yeah, I like making other people happy, but it can no longer be at the expense of my own happiness. I tend to have this feeling of my life being on hold or waiting for this illusive someday to happen to me when my life starts. That segways me into my next goal of living in the moment. I need to stop obsessing over the future. What will happen, will happen and as much as I'd like my two grandparents that I have left and other family members to be present when I get married and have children, there's nothing I can do to control that. There will be a hole in my heart when those times come because my Dad will not be there in body to enjoy them with me, but moments happen in their own time. I need to enjoy this moment that I am given.

That has led me into my next set of goals that I felt encouraged to write down because of Summer's 'My 2016 Life Goals' vlog post. Now some may seem like I just copied her goals, but they really did apply to me and my life. Plus some are twisted and tweaked to accommodate my not being a mommy or wife. Once again, I had the urge to reply. In my defense, she says in her videos that she loves to hear from viewers and she's just so sweet and kind. She may never read my comment, but it got me thinking and it landed me here blogging again...and working on myself which is a positive.

I loved this! February 5th isn't too late to start goals for the year, right? Many of your goals I agree with and can be applied to my life as well. You mentioned not yelling and I turned that into not being quick to get upset/not everything has to be a competition. I don't have children or a family of my own yet, but I am in a relationship where I'm finding my competitive side is coming out more so. Odd, right? Competition can be fun and playful, but I tend to take it too seriously and get upset thus ruining the fun. I need to stop that. I do have a hectic schedule so regularly attending church is difficult, but I can worship anytime/anywhere and I need to take more advantage of that as well as making it a priority to attend church events whether it be Saturday evening service or midweek worship/classes. Taking the pressure off is a must for me in terms of projects/work/social events. I like the idea of weighing in once a month as I gained a little weight last year and am getting back into my running routine. Decluttering needs to happen. I have a spare bedroom full of clutter. Must tackle. I am terrible about having negative thoughts and being hard on myself/putting myself down. I want to try to combat that this year as well. I hadn't written any goals down until I watched your video so thank you.

That sums up my goals for this year. In addition to weighing myself once a month, which Summer mentions she does the Friday after her period ends so I will shoot for the first Friday of my birth control pack, I am going to try to eat clean Monday - Friday and have my weekends free, but obviously within reason. I have already gotten into my running routine and have written down the goal of running 4-5 times per week even though I will likely run more than that. Again, keeping the pressure of myself. If I set my sights to high and fall short then we get into that whole being hard on myself and beating myself up thing. Avoiding that. I wrote in other workouts such as kickboxing, weights, videos for 2-3 times a week at least. Sundays I have attempted to make my grocery shopping/prepping for the week days before and I'd like to try to do that again. My schedule is already all over that place, so adding in trips to the store for lunches or smoothie ingredients just causes too much stress with debating on skipping a lunch run/gym session or trying to squeeze it in before work (without being late) or going late at night. 

Like I said, decluttering must happen. Somehow. I keep my place fairly nice, always clean, but sometime mail is sitting on the couch, but my spare bedroom is a giant clutter closet. I have clothes I don't wear not because they don't fit right or they're out of date, but because I can't see them! I don't know where they are! This is one time where that phrase "out of sight, out of mind" comes in handy for me. I am a faithful girlfriend, but I am not loyal to articles of clothing in totes. 

If I'm feeling negative thoughts towards a piece of clothing I can manage to dig out, I shall toss the item. If I am having negative feeling about myself on the other hand, I shall toss the negativity. I have struggled with this for well, maybe ever. I want to be aware of it and I want to lessen my negative thoughts. No one could hurt me as much as I hurt myself. You should hear the things I think to myself about myself sometimes. It's awful! I'm never going to have high, visible cheek bones or a narrower jawline, yet I turn my nose up at what I am given. I must think positive and true. 

Last, but certainly not least, is focusing more on my faith and making more connections at my church. I am excited to be a part of my churches Passion play this year and I have met some very sweet people in rehearsals. Once the play is over, I want to still be apart of my church community. Strengthening my faith really ties all these goals in together. Giving up my struggles to the Lord and praying about what things to say yes to and what to say no to. Figuring out my path through prayer. Working on myself to be a better child of Christ, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, girlfriend, friend, employee, actor, runner and for myself.

Let the work begin. 

Summer's 'New Season of Life' video

Summer's 'My 2016 Life Goals' video

The Smell of Autumn Reposted from 2007

~ The Smell of Autumn ~

August 29, 2007 at 2:59pm

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Labor day is just around the corner and soon to follow will be autumn. I love autumn. Notice I prefer to call it autumn rather than fall. It sounds sophisticated. I say the word autumn and memories flood my mind instantly.

First I envision the colors; the fiery reds, the golden yellows, deep browns and vibrant oranges. The trees are stunning that time of year here. The air is crisp and the breeze of autumn is an old and welcomed friend. An autumn wardrobe is warm and cozy, but a heavy down coat is not yet required.

There are pumpkins everywhere you turn and the stores are filled with festive decorations for the up coming months. Speaking of festivities, autumn marks the beginning of a long line of festive events that continue through the remainder the year. Labor day weekend is a last escape to the lake, a family/friend bar-b-que or just a long weekend spent a home sleeping in and watching movies. The Kansas City Irish Fest takes place over the holiday weekend and provides beer and bands, what could be better?

Then there's the kick off of the Kansas City Renaissance Festival, which runs through Columbus Day. Several "Oktoberfests" take place during September, go figure. Haunted Houses open for those who dare and those of us who love history of the 1800's in our area can attend Missouri Town 1855 for several activities throughout autumn and winter.

For my mom and I, autumn also marks the fall home tour. We love to see new designs and ideas for homes exterior and interior. Then we have an extravagant lunch and a drink while we chat about everything.


Autumn is the end of pre-season and the beginning of another hopeful season to end in February.

Of course autumn begins the holiday season as well, which if you know me at all you know that I am a huge fan of the holiday season. First, and separate really, is Halloween. I, of course, no longer participate in trick or treating, but I love passing out candy to the neighborhood kids. Then there are the costume parties with way too much drinking.
Thanksgiving comes next with its ridiculous amounts of food and yummy pies. I love spending time with the family, although until our twosome Thanksgiving in California last year I had been spending this holiday with my boyfriends’ family. It's nice to have somewhere to go though, getting in the car for what is suppose to be a 3 1/2 hour drive that turns into a 6 hour trip due to holiday traffic on I-70. You know with me in the car we are listening to holiday music all the way there. Not just Christmas music, I throw Adam Sandler's Thanksgiving song into the mix. I help decorate the tree with his mom and put lights up outside with his brothers. Peppermint Schnapps in my hot cocoa to get me through the big family get together...

Then there's the best holiday of all, Christmas. I don't love it because I of the gifts or the gift cards or the envelope of cash from my dad that will pay my personal property tax before January and any bills I have around plus a big after Christmas shopping trip with my best friend. I love it because it means I'll get to see most of my family at least once that year granted we're all alive and no one got married that year. I love the tradition of going to my Granny Ruth's on Christmas Eve. I flew half way across the country last year that day just to get there by dinner at 5pm. I love the tree, the smell of pine and apple cinnamon candles, the lights on the houses, the scarves, hats and gloves and the candle light service. Now on my own I spring for a real tree while my parents disappointingly enough have purchased a fake one. Finding the corresponding color for the corresponding hole isn't as much fun, but still I help thus I end up decorating several places, but of course I don't mind.


The thought of that time of year, even starting with autumn makes me blissfully happy. Maybe I'm extra sentimental this year since I missed out on so much last year. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving when it's 70 degrees and sunny everyday and palm trees are swaying outside your window in the green grass. That fact that there was no family to share it with accentuated the lack of holiday spirit even further.

So as I said, I can't wait for autumn to officially begin. Hey that's about when all the good TV comes back on too (The Office!). Plus the humidity will die off!!! Don't get me wrong Spring and Summer are great too with the hiking, the float trips, the swimming, tanning, boating, tank tops and flip flops, but there's just something magical about the latter part of the year.

Shirley Jean - My MeMom

New season = new attempt at blogging.

Since my last post, my family suffered a major loss. Thursday, January 22nd my MeMom (my Dad's mom) suffered a massive stroke at the nursing home she was living in. Things looked dismal that evening, but she hung on until family could fly into town and on Monday, January 26th at around 9:20pm, after being off oxygen since that morning, she left us.

It's funny how things happen. I went to the hospital that evening noting that I did not see my aunt's car in the parking lot. I did see my uncle's rental however. When I got to her room the door was only just ajar enough so that I could see it was dimly lit inside. I lightly knocked, but I heard nothing from inside the room. I headed back to the elevator texting my mom that my aunt and cousin were longer there and that my uncle must have called it a night in the chair in MeMom's room. Just as I stepped into the elevator, my cousin whom I texted earlier letting her know I was stopping by replied to me saying they were picking up dinner and that our Uncle was in the room. She said I should hang out with him until they returned.
For the next twenty minutes I sat on the small plastic like couch in my MeMom's hospital room while my uncle sat next to me in a reclining chair going over the days events with me and what we could expect in the near future. He made a call to his wife, my aunt, who was still at their home in Seattle. While he talked to her about flying in, I texted my mom and listened to my MeMom's distressed breathing. Since I had been there that evening, there had been gaps of silence that I eventually got used to as she would start back up with the harsh tones coming from her throat. My uncle continued to talk through one of these silent periods, but after an extended measure of time, longer than the pauses that had come previously, my uncle interrupted his call telling my aunt not to worry, but that he thought he should end their call. He went over to MeMom when my aunt and cousin walked in the door. My cousin came over to me on the couch and gave me a tight squeeze as she sat next to me before my uncle interjected into our greetings and told us to come over to hold MeMom's hands. My aunt told her that it was ok and that she could go now. Then she left her earthly body, but was still there with us as we shed tears knowing how much we would miss this funny, big hearted woman. Then my aunt asked me to say a prayer. My cousin would joke later that despite being her daughter and standing right there as well, that they figured I was closest to getting to where our MeMom was headed anyway. On the spot and emotional, I said something like:

Dear God, we give you Shirley - 

a wonderful mother, grandmother and great grandmother. 

Take care of her. 

Let her be with her husband, her mother

and brothers and sisters

And watch over us always.

Amen. 

We were lucky to be there with her when she left this world and count ourselves so. Perfect timing. She was as tough and brave in that hospital as she was in life. Despite a massive stroke, she held on so that the people she loved and cared for most could not only come together to be at her bedside and say what they needed to say, but so that we could also come to terms with the inevitable as a family. 

My only hope is that the day we laid her to rest beside her husband is not the last day that our family all comes together like that. MeMom would smile to see us all together again. She was so proud of her family and I hope that we can make her proud again. 

To...

To let go of someone is hard.

To know when enough is enough.

To convince yourself deep down that they are not the last stop.

To change the plans you made in your head.

To block out the day dreams.

To be alone.

To start again.

To share your story with someone new.

To wait.

To see.

To kiss.

To fail.

To get back up.

To be open to finding it.

To be open to it finding you.

To learn.

To feel your heart race.

To fall.

To love.

To make love.

To be able to look back and realize your past was best left behind.

To look to the future. With them.

Maybe You Shouldn't Date

Most of the people I know are married or are getting married, but as for myself and and a couple of my girlfriends the right guy has yet to be found. Discussions with them and reading those dating posts on Facebook have brought me here to rant.

If you are out in the dating world and you can't be honest with the person you're seeing as to whether you like them or not, which is mainly shown through action - behavior when together, communication (text and/or calls), then you are not mature enough to date. At all. Period. If you're still seeking out rando people then perhaps your dating profile (if you have one) should state that you are looking for just a hook up. A unattached, never communicate again - except maybe for more 'ahem' - STD riddled sex.
Do not seek out men/women looking for a real, honest, trusting and hopefully lasting relationship.
If you are looking for the above however, and you find yourself with someone you're becoming less enthusiastic about then do not just stop responding to their calls, texts, social media messages, e mail, etc...that's the chicken shit way out. You justify it by just feeling annoyed by their out reaches to you, rolling your eyes at the notifications on your phone before hitting the sleep button and returning it to your pocket/purse. Meanwhile, this other person is left wondering what the hell is going on. At times they'll feel angry wondering why you're such an asshole/bitch suddenly because let's face, last time you were together you probably gave no indication that you weren't feeling it. Other times they'll feel sad wondering what they did wrong. If you're feeling that way, you did nothing wrong except for getting involved with an immature coward. Listen, not everyone is going to be your cup of tea, even if it started out nice. You get to know someone better and sometimes you realize they aren't for you. That's cool. What's not cool is dropping off the face of the planet because you can't manage to be a man/woman and tell this person, nicely, that you'd make better friends or that there's a lack of chemistry on your end. Yes, it is going to suck. Typically people don't like to hurt others and yes, sometimes the other person will not thank you politely and walk away, but will cry, scream and/or throw a tantrum. It doesn't matter, you owe them that honesty. It's the ripping off the band aid way. Slinking off into the abyss, dropping all communication is the slow agonizing way of eventually letting someone know you don't give a shit about them.

I did this on a first date recently. It got to the end of the night, we're standing at our cars and he asks the, "so can I call you again" question. I took a beat and said, "I don't think so". I explained how I knew now that he wasn't a fit for me. In this case, he only offered a single rebuttal then realizing it was futile, asked that I text when I had made it safely home and left. I did text him upon my return home and thanked him for the evening. He did the same and that was that. Granted this was an easy one date shoot down and once you've been seeing someone for a while it gets a little more complicated, but all the more reason to care enough for that persons feelings to be up front with them.

My Lunch Time Workout Today

Set 1:

20 Plank Jacks
20 total (10 per leg) Squat into Side Kick
20 Side to Side Speed Planks
20 total (10 per leg) Step Up with Dumbbells (I added hammer curls to the 2nd set)

Repeat 3 times

Set 2:

20 total (10 per leg) Donkey Kick Plank on Elbows
Inverted V-Plank
20 total (10 per leg) Reverse Lunge with Front Kick

Repeat 3 times

Set 3:

 5 Inch Worms
20 total Cross Over Lunges
12 - 15 Seated Knee Tucks

Repeat 3 times

Set 4:

12 Kettle Bell Squats/Figure 8 Squats with Kettle Bell
30 calf raises with 20lb dumbbells
20 total (10 per leg) Scorpion Twists

Repeat 3 times

Aside from one round of medicine ball throws, that was all I had time for today.

Catching Up (on running)

So sometimes I just don't feel like writing. Other times I don't even think about it. I'm not going to force myself to write something that comes out awful. Today, however, I feel like catching up.

October 18, 2014 - I ran my first full marathon. I trained for it using my Nike + app on my phone. I used the 'Coach' feature inputting my goal, 26.2 miles, and the date of my race. From that, it mapped out a training schedule for me to follow. I'll admit to slacking some at the end while I was in a show. I was always running several times a week, but a few of my long runs towards the end were not as long as they should have been.
My goal going into race day was two-fold. One realistic goal and one more optimistic goal. I knew I could finish the race in under 5 hours. I wanted to attempt to finish it closer to 4:40. I came in at 4:53. My iphone/music/nike + died at mile 18. Coincidentally my calves started to feel like rocks at mile 18. Miles 18 - 23 were a struggle. I had pushed harder than I maybe should have in the first half of the race. I was ahead of the 4:40 pacers for a good chunk of the race. Then I saw 4:40 and 4:50 pass me by. I didn't let it discourage me though and by mile 23 I got a second wind. I just kept telling myself it was a 5K at that point. My friend, Kelly, was outside the chute cheering me on and telling me to, "finish strong". I did it. I ran a marathon. I dedicated my run to my Dad who has Multiple Sclerosis and to my Mom, his caregiver.
Just under a month later I ran a half marathon. This time Kelly was running. It was her first half marathon and she was nervous to say the least. I stuck with her and instead of coming in after 3 hours like she feared, we came in together at 2:46. It was 32 degrees at the finish and in the last mile snow was pelting us in the face. I'm sure she enjoyed my Christmas carols.
Now to plan the next one for a PR time.

Now that it has turned cold, I still plan to run. I don't have to be as strict since there is not a race planned yet that I am training for, but I will layer up and get outside in addition to some treadmill runs at the gym. I asked for YakTrax for Christmas. I do have a fear of slipping and falling in the snow/ice conditions. I am slowly getting back into using my Turbo Fire too. Dropping everything else and only running did no favors for my mid-section. So I'm looking to whittle that down before my Mexico trip in Spring.

Dating Older and Still Clueless

When I became open to dating 9+ years outside my age I thought, these guys are older thus more mature, more open to commitment and know what they want.
Boy was I wrong! I have found from dating older men that they have allowed themselves to be so...I'm skipping eloquence here...screwed up by previous relationships, namely marriages, that they actually haven't a clue what it is they want. In fact, what they are feeling seems to be conflicting. They want someone special, yet they want their space and alone time (more so than average for individuals) because they have settled into that rut, feel comfortable there and have lost the ability to adapt to change in their middle aged years. So this leads to all kinds of confusion for the women they date. Sometimes he seems really into this and other times they feel they are being pushed away. When it comes down to it and you ask them what it is they want relationship/future wise, they finally give and say, "I don't know". Then they might go into a story about their ex and it doesn't matter if that ended six months ago or six years ago, they still let that failed relationship define them. Not that we don't carry baggage from previous relationships, but we don't give up and live under a rock either. The ex might have well been a praying mantis, as he is no good to any woman now! Ok, so I'm jumping to extremes. Anyone else experience this though? What is your dating age restrictions, minimum to maximum?

These were just some thoughts I had this morning and have come from a whole period of time, not something that just happened. So no need to try to figure out who has these issues. We all have issues.

No Rest For The Mutli-Interested

8 1/2 weeks until Marathon day. This weeks long run is 14 miles. We've had really decent weather, but I'm not sure it's going to hold up for my long run this weekend. I hear humidity will be back and rain will be coming in. Wait... rain?!?

Rain on a run can be nice, but I have a performance this Saturday... outdoors. The event is a craft beer festival with four One Acts performing at the top of every hour on each corner of the towns square. So we will perform this particular One Act four times. I'm sure the more you drink, the better we'll get! I kid. It should be a good time, granted the rain holds off.

Next Friday and Saturday evenings I will be in a Murder Mystery dinner show. It's improv, it's working directly with your audience, it will be great.

In between, I am in rehearsals for Taming of the Shrew every week night. So I am looking forward to, hopefully, a little break over Labor Day weekend and then things dying down in late September. Then it will be time for all the fall festivities that I love to take part in. Ah, Autumn, how I love thee!

Week 10/24, Callback, World Cup Love

So first off, my training is still moving right along. Scheduling has been tough so I have had to utilize the dreaded treadmill still. For example, Monday night I had a theatre audition so I hit the gym afterward. I will do the same this evening as I just found out I got a callback for the same show. After this week the long runs increase steadily before there is another recovery week. Bring it!

Scheduling will stay challenging if I am offered a role after tonight. Rehearsals seem to be Monday through Thursday, 7pm - 9pm and even some weekends. The show performs in September. My marathon is only a month after that! Eek! :)

Other than running and theatre related stuff, I have been enjoying my favorite quadrennial event - the World Cup! USA made it out of the "Group of Death", but they did not survive the knockout round. I enjoyed three of their games out surrounded by other soccer fans. One outing was at Power & Light District with thousands of other fans cheering on team USA!
Now that my home country is out, I have been cheering on my heritage  country of Germany. Deutschland! Yesterday they killed Brazil in their home country. 7-1! Today the Netherlands and Argentina play. My brother is rooting for the Netherlands and is calling a World Cup final of 6-2 Germany over Netherlands. Could be! We'll see. Soccer is really growing here in the states. Most MLS teams now have their own soccer specific stadiums and are charging ridiculous amounts for beer. That's when you know they're doing well.

Enjoy the game!

Week 8

It is week 8 of 24 of marathon training for me. Really since my trip to Dallas, where I still did at least two 6 mile runs, I have struggled with my schedule. This is partly due to a children's theatre camp I am helping with (doing choreography) for two weeks. We are on the final week. The schedule of going straight from work to camp until 9pm, plus my 40 minute drive to my town, not to mention not having air in the theatre and maintaining 50 kids (not even near as much as our director), has lead me to be pretty exhausted. Never the less, I have made post camp trips to the gym at 10pm to run on the treadmill. Treadmills are not my favorite, but I don't want to run in the dark for a number of reasons. So I make the best of it with speed intervals and such. Last night was a 5 mile run and below is my post workout photo. It doesn't really show the sweaty mess I was. 

Oh since last post I signed up for a half marathon that takes place almost a month after the KC full marathon with a friend of mine. Yay for running pals! 

Week 5 of 24 Weeks

I am in the middle of my fifth week of marathon training. Everything is going smoothly (aside from left shin pain :( ). I'm even waking up early to run in the mornings before getting ready for work! I had to essentially. I get heat sick so running over my lunch hour was a no and running after work finally became a no go too. I have done a couple of late night runs, but overall morning runs have been the way to go. I wouldn't say I am a morning person now by any means. I hit snooze, roll out of bed in my jogging gear, splash cold water on my face and am out the door. My first miles have been "wake up miles" at a sad (for me) 11 minute/mile pace. Then I make up for it in subsequent miles.
I'm trying to add more gym time aside from the alloted cross training day in the middle of each week. Distance running can deteriorate your muscles if you're not weight lifting as well.
My new favorite breakfast protein shake consists of Skippy Naturals dark chocolate peanut butter, a banana, almond milk, plain greek yogurt, fiber powder and vanilla whey protein. Better than a Sonic shake! Yummy!
So there's a quick update. CANNOT wait for the World Cup to begin next week!!! Go U.S.A.!!!! For Club and Country!

Happy Nation Running Day!!!

Marathon Training

So I signed up for my cities marathon about a month ago. After I crossed the half marathon finish line last fall I was pretty sure I would be doing the full 26.2 this year.
I looked up several different training schedules, but I ended up going with the Coach feature on my Nike + Running app on my phone. The program runs for 24 weeks leading me right up to my marathon date. Each week has a specific goal heading like "Warm-up", "Fundamentals" and "Build A Base", which are the first three weeks of the training. Your weeks not only include the milage of your runs, but also cross training and rest days. It gives basic suggestions for cross training days like biking, swimming and elliptical, but I decided to dig a little deeper. My first cross training day workout (that I just finished) will be below. By the time it is all said and done I will have covered nearly 700 miles to my marathon goal. I am more than excited (and a little bit scared) for this journey.

This week has been easy so far for me seeing that I have been used to running several miles most days of the week from maintaining over the colder months.
Monday I did a 4 mile fartlek run. I know weird name, right? Fartleks are basically alternating between a faster and slower pace through the bulk of your run with a warm up and cool down. This is a speed workout to help you build strength and endurance.
Tuesday was an easy and comfortably paced 5K (3.1mi) to keep me fresh for my XT (cross train) day in the gym today.

Wednesday XT Workout:
Planks 3-5 reps holding for 1 minute each
Lower Body Russian Twists 10 to 12 reps
Scorpion 30 seconds each leg
Back Extensions with Stability Ball 10 to 12 reps
Kettlebell Squats with Overhead Press 10 to 12 reps
Overhead Lunge 6 to 8 reps on each leg
Stability Ball Jackknife 10 to 12 reps
Stability Ball Hip Extension 10 to 12 reps
Rotational Shoulder Press 10 to 12 reps
Alternating Dumbbell Row 10 to 12 reps

I repeated the above set 2 times (normally I would do 3 sets, but I was on lunch)

Cool Down Flexibility Moves:
Arm Swings
Leg Swings
Bridges (on stability ball)
Single Leg Stretches
Butterfly

Tomorrow is another 3.1 mile run and Fridays long run is only 5 miles before a rest day Saturday (where I will go for a brisk walk)!

Happy Fitness!!!

Pain to Hope

It is four days into Spring and I am watching the snow fall outside my office window. I don't so much mind the grey, chilly day that is accompanying the snow. In fact, it is almost a comfort. The last few days I have felt a little empty inside, maybe even a little lost with ever so many questions on my mind. I silence them to the best of my ability though. What's the use in indulging in wonder and worry? Time reveals what is to come to pass.

Anyone in pain knows how annoying it can be to hear phrases like that about time. Such as, "time heals all wounds". "Just give it time." Just as we know hearing those phrases can be irritating, we also know that they are true. I believe that perhaps we never live so much so in the present as we do when we are in pain. It feels like there is no escape. It's difficult to see tomorrow and the past only ignites the pain with memories of someone or something lost. It is when we are in pain that we tend to call on certain people in lives more so than any other time and it is sadly when we tend to pray more so than when things are going good in our lives. I try to make it a point to pray at happy points in my life and to express my thanks, but I am afraid I call on my Father more often than not in times of doubt, worry and sadness. I cry, I get angry, I say, "why me?" How selfish of a prayer is that? My guilt kicks in before I am through and I always make sure to name off some things I am thankful for to give thanks to Him and to remind myself that I do have other things in my life to be happy about.

This reminds me of something I have come across a few times recently while reading about passionate and creative people. If I am anything in this life, I am passionate. It is evident when I am on stage, working on a project I care about, with my family and friends, in love and in pain. I realize loving a passionate person is not easy to do and not for everyone. Boy, do I know this. In my readings I noticed the mention of keeping a gratitude journal several times. This ties in with my reminding myself what I am thankful for when I choose to speak to God. A gratitude journal could be a great way to look back at different things I have been thankful for over time. It could bring me joy in times of hardship. It could be a good reminder of my ever evolving world.

So while it might be overcast and snowing outside my window, I am thankful that I am here to see it. I am hopeful that one day, on a day like today, I will be leaving my office to enjoy watching the snowfall   in the arms of the man that I am in love with and he in love with me.

Randomish Thoughts

Sigh... wish we could erase some of the past. Both in yours and mine.

Don't say anything that you would rather I not remember.

I hate the word "attractive" when you are referencing others.

At-ttrac-tive: (of a person) appealing to look at; sexually alluring... in short - someone you want to fuck. In other words, makes me rethink this.

Who is attractive to me? The person I am with. End of story.

I should feel the same from my partner.

People, be happy with what you have. If you are not happy with what you have (you are looking elsewhere) then show respect for the person you're with and walk away. They deserve better than you're looking. I don't care if there was no acting upon.

It's not all bad. The thoughts above I have had for a long, long time and discussed with people I've been in relationships with.

You said you didn't cheat. You said you never wanted to. The latter of that eased me more so after having come after the initial statement.

So maybe you agree with my seventh thought here...

That would win me over.

I want so much out of this life that involves mine being intertwined with another. My thoughts keep that from happening.

Find a like minded partner.

Noted.

Asking too much?

No such thing.

Happy thoughts.

Your kisses keep me guessing. Slow, soft kisses that send chills along my skin. Fast, hard, hot kisses that can lead to more...or more kisses. Smoochy pecks in between. Kisses that go from my mouth to ear to neck and then back to my mouth. They're all my favorite.

Roaming hands are also a favorite of mine.

My fingers in your hair while we kiss or make love. That's a reserved intimate move for me. Not for just anyone.

Feeling one thing while feeling another.

Questioning.

Wanting.

Hoping.

Daydreaming. Like all the time. Daydreaming. Of you.

Excitement every time my cell chimes.

A little bummed when it's someone else.

Happiness is you calling me any pet name lately.

Wanting to look good. In general.

Having a goal.

Running. Sweet freedom.

Acting. There's no other rush like it.

Posting this without caring what you think of me. Talk to me. Shut me out.

As soon as I typed "shut me out", I made a wish that you wouldn't. Ever.

My life - not yet complete, but this is not a bad thing. I say it in a hopeful manner. I'm excited for what's to come. To be proven wrong in what I learned from the men I was with. To be happy. Simply happy.

WTH Am I Doing?

Someday I will be consistent with this blog. I think I'm going to make a bet with myself that for now I will attempt at least one post a week. I'm guessing my posts will mainly consist of theatre and running related topics as these are the activities consuming my world currently. My mind is all over the place though, so don't hold me to that. There's something else...or I should say someone else, on my mind these days too. So that might get slipped in.
At a dinner party this past weekend, someone asked me what my blog was about. I sited my tagline.

For now, I am currently kicking off "Hell Week" for my current show, "Fertilizer". Hell week is the week leading up to a show that consists of technical and dress rehearsals. We are completely off book and on our own now. No calling for lines from the stage manager. If you blank, you either hope your fellow actors will help you out or you wing it. "Show conditions people", as the director would say. These are the rehearsals where we take all of the dialogue and blocking that we have learned and we make our character our own. I love these rehearsals. I think about the audience reactions that are to come in just a few short days. I thrive off audience reaction. You hold for laughs so no dialogue is lost, you hear the gasps of shock when they've pieced something together and you feel the change of atmosphere as they sob. Every show is different! Responses vary from audience to audience.
We will run for two weekends then I will have three days before rehearsals for my next show will begin.

The rehearsal schedule for "Let's Murder Marsha" will be much more intense as we only have a month before we open. I look to have a rehearsal every week night in March as opposed to our regular Monday/Tuesday schedule leading up to hell week.
So far, I have nothing planned right after the close of LMM and I believe I will need a little break.

Yesterday I auditioned for a show that will perform at the Fringe Festival in July. I should hear something from them over the next two weeks.

Well, I'm about to work on my other activity, running. It's sunny and warmer today than it has been, but it sounds awfully windy.

Goals

Resolutions seem to always fail and just because we are in January of a new year does not mean that what I aspire to accomplish this year has to be referred to as such. I'm always making small goals for myself whether it be in my performing, my wanting to stay physically fit or strengthening my relationships.

This time last year I announced my goal to run the half marathon at the Kansas City Marathon in October. By May I finally got up the guts to register (on half off the half day :) - those of you who know my frugality will understand) and prepare myself. I ran on weekdays, weekends, mornings, evenings and on vacation. I had done 11 races, including 5K's, an 8K, a 10K and 2 several mile mud obstacle courses, by my half marathon race day. It was hovering around freezing that morning when two of my friends picked me up to drive me to the race and cheer me on. I don't ever remember feeling nervous that morning. There was no going back and I knew I could do this.

The amount of people was crazy. I wasn't even inside the barricades when the gun went off and several minutes went by before anyone around me was able to start moving. Approaching the mat at the start line where my chip timer would begin gave me an adrenaline rush that would last until mile 11 of the race. I just took it all in really. The race started off with us running through downtown so I enjoyed the views then listened to the music that overpowered my iPhone tunes from performers along the street. It wasn't just people performing or spectating/cheering along the roadside either. People were full on tailgating while watching the thousands of runners pass by. They had their smokey joes out, grilling burgers and hot dogs while I logged my seventh mile. Then the tricky part came.

Sometime before the bbq aroma, I realized that after all the water I had consumed pre-race, I needed to use the restroom. Like now. Every couple of miles there were Johnny on the Spots with long lines in front of them. So mile after mile I continued to pass up the opportunity and I passed up water for a while as to not add to the already miserable situation. Plus my last "water" cup contained gatorade, which came as a shock.
 When you're running, you have nothing but time to think. In this case I spent miles 2 through 10 thinking about relieving myself and how great that would be. I was also calculating the time for a porta potty break. It is a race after all. Mile 9 consisted of both a water and porta potty stop where much of the group pulled off creating long lines again. I whimperingly passed this mile marker just knowing I would have to wait another two miles before there would be porta potties on the route again. Coming around a bend to mile marker 10 was like seeing the gates of heaven... wait, what? Ok, so it was just a row of Johnny on the Spots with no waiting! So at that moment after running with a full bladder for nearly 8 miles and depriving myself of anymore intake of fluids, it felt like heaven. I literally ran in, leaving my mile pacers side and ran out rubbing hand sanitizer in between my hands as I sped up to meet with my pacing group once again. I took a deep breath of relief, giving myself a mental pat on the back and then buckled down to finish strong in the last 3.1 miles.
So that was it! I was down to a 5K left. I thought back to all those mornings I ran races that were only 5K's and I said to myself, "I got this". I pushed hard to get from the back of my pacing group to the front. I experienced a period of slight boredom in miles 11 and 12, but then I got into focus for the grand finale. I saw Kenyan's (presumably - is that wrong?) passing me at mile 12 that were at double that milage running the full marathon. Then I passed my final mile marker, came around a street corner and took in my final stretch of the race to the finish line.
As I got closer the crowds grew thicker of people hoping to spot their family member or friend. My legs were heavy; probably the heaviest they've ever felt in my life. I wanted to sprint, but I couldn't get my legs to rotate fast enough. Then I heard someone yelling above the crowd. I heard my name. I looked ahead to my right to spot my two friends yelling at me to "finish strong" and hell, since now I had an audience I had to give all I had left. I sprinted as fast as my legs could carrying me across that finish line feeling completely exhilarated and more accomplished than I had in a long time when a Chick Fil A sandwich was tossed at me. I quickly reacted and caught it having no clue what was going on. I looked at the sandwich and thought, "Huh. Really?" But I quickly went back to feeling pretty damn pleased with myself. Then a man wrapped a heat sheet around before I came to where the medals were being handed out. I proudly put the medal around my neck after a quick debate about neck sweat getting on the ribbon in my head. I grabbed and downed nearly an entire bottle of water before my friends met up with me. I was ridiculously pumped for a person who had just finished running 13.1 miles. I was jumping up and down, mainly to keep my calf muscles from tightening up. At any rate my friends thought I was insane and should be worn out. I tied my heat sheet at my neck making it like a cape that caused me to feel like Wonder Woman and I was off to get my post race beer... and eat that sandwich (shame, shame).
 I ran errands with my friends that day, never napped and acted in our second performance of 'Moon Over Buffalo' that night. I was continually moving and stretching in our small quarters backstage much to my fellow cast members delight. That evening, post show, I marveled at the day I had just had and smiled. I do recall moments in those first few miles where I got misty eyed thinking of my Dad who can now barely walk due to his MS and here his daughter was running in a half marathon. I would later post a picture of myself after the race with my medal on Facebook dedicating my race to my parents. My Mom immediately commenting that her and my Dad had followed me on my race and were overwhelming with pride made me tear up and feel very loved.

So that was the story of my big goal for 2013... didn't realize I was going there in this post... now I need to get on with 2014. One can probably guess that my goal for this year is to run the full Kansas City Marathon this fall. Don't get me wrong, I want to do this and I am determined to put this goal in the books, but I think when I register... I might throw up a little.

I also recently came across four script ideas I had jotted down nearly two years ago and I have decided to run with one of them. After completing a playwriting course in college I was convinced I was too detailed a writer for strictly dialogue, but I am determined (there's that word again) to give this script idea my best shot. If it sucks, it sucks. Who will know except for a couple of family members and friends I may pass it along to if they're lucky... or unlucky depending on how bad it is.

I would say one of my goals is to blog more, but I don't want to set myself up for failure. I am, however, writing more in my personal journal so that's something.
I have a few other little goal ideas floating around this cluttered mind of mine, but the ones above are the biggies and thus more worthy of sharing.

While blogging didn't make the goal cut, a theatre update will soon follow.

Foreshadow

Funny how you can have a feeling about something before it happens. This morning I realized I was happy. I've been content with life, not terribly stressed or dealing with drama. Then it struck me, "Oh no" and lead me to jotting down something, which turned into what is below. As a I started to type this here...the phone rang. This was fifteen minutes ago and I still feel something from it I can't explain. Shock perhaps? That I was so right about my feelings this morning. Dread. It's like a wave of upset through my entire body. I didn't answer the call. Then texts back to back. One from the last person I would ever want to hear from in the entire world and one from the person I love hearing from the most. The last thing I want to appear as is the negatively complicated girl with drama clinging to her, especially since it's not really true. The chapter must be shut once and for all.



If you see me out
you're crossing the room
eyes locked on me,
know it's not going to end with a kiss
After a few, 
don't call me
Never show up my doorstep
to love me for the night
If you think you made a mistake,
well it's too late
I'm doing fine
Just like you said I would
when you watched all those tears 
for you fall
The ghost of you killed me
for so long
I don't need to see your face
to know I'll be alright
And you don't need to see
to know you're going to miss mine
So I don't need you
trying to tell me 
how it can be different this time
Nothings changed
I'm the same girl
with a few more scars 
and I'm worth so much more
So you live with your mistake 
And I'll forget mine 

Theatre Photo Dump

So it has occurred to me that I discuss all these shows that I have been in and while I have photos from nearly every show, I have failed to share any. That said, this post will consist of photos from most of the shows I have been involved in since the latter half of college. So let's begin this trip down memory lane, shall we?

This is a clipping from my colleges newspaper from when I was in the main stage production, Belle's Stratagem. Corsets, petty coats, wigs... oh my! Belle's was a tedious production in which we were directed to face out to the audience standing dead center in squares that were painted on the racked stage for the first Act. Second Act was a free for all. 

These are also from a main stage production in college of Macbeth. I played one of the witches, but clearly we are not the hags the Bard envisioned. 'Macbeth's' was actually a night club where most of the action took place including sword fighting. Night two of the production, Macduff's wrist was actually cut during one of the fights causing blood to run down his arm and all around him on the stage floor as he continued the scene. The audience didn't have a clue. The ETM's came in to patch him up in the green room before the next scene. The show went on. 

The first photo there is with our director and professor, Dr. Herman. 

And no, I have never dressed like that in public. 

Now we skip some time and some shows because A. I have a photo of at least one show from this time I don't love and B. I graduated college and moved to Los Angeles... to become a ah-hem, movie star. I do, however, have a photo of myself somewhere dressed in my hippy garb from the set of 'Semi-Pro'. I was an extra in the stands. I met Woody Harrelson. He's short. 

Anyway, the above photo is from a rehearsal of my first show at a theatre that I have now performed at over ten times. This was fall 2008 in the show "Lying in State". I played 40 something Edna (age makeup was applied) whose ex husband, a State Senator, had just passed away. It was a comedy, I assure you. "Hello? Yes, I need to hire a bugler. No, not a burglar. Are you telling me I can actually hire a burglar??" Um, yes, I remember many of my lines from many of my shows. 

And here I am in Footloose the Musical where my mid-twenty something self plays a 16 year old high school cheerleader. I have to give myself props - that in fact is a high school cheerleaders uniform that I am in. 

Putting on lotion backstage because who wants flaky dry skinned legs in a full length gown on stage? Not I!

I was pretty much "drinking" through this entire show. Chris Gorman of Neil Simon's Rumors was a fun character to play. We performed this in a black box theatre setting so our set looks a little unconventional. 

The final moment of Act I, aka the moment my grandmother passes out in the audience during the second night of performances. Long story short, they really don't know what happened, but our 15 minute intermission became 45 minutes long as my grandmother was taken out by ambulance and taken to the hospital to eventually have a pace maker put in. Again, the show must go on and that it did. 

Then I fulfilled a bucket list wish of playing Shelby in Steel Magnolias. Remember when I mentioned remembering lines from shows I had been in? I could do this show tonight. 

"I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." 

"It looks like a stuck pig bled all over my hands." 

"You know what Daddy always says, 'An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure'."

Children's Theatre Playwright's Festival Summer 2010. I was in two of the skits, one that played throughout. These photos are from 'Escapade'. Check me out in those rainbow suspenders! There was a mix of adult and children actors in each of these skits and we just had a blast. 

Olympia from 'A Flea in Her Ear' - Oct. 2010

During a dress rehearsal when coming down the stairs that were not visible to the audience, I slipped and landed on the stairs causing several cuts and bruises including one of each across my shoulder blades. My fellow actors helped me up so that I could run on stage and finish the scene. After that someone was always at the foot of the stairs to help me down. Aww. 

Woman in Black - Oct. 2010

This photo was a reenactment of the moment I was crossing the stage during a blackout at a dress rehearsal and the light board operator pulled up the lights on my cross... so I struck a pose. My costar here wanted in the photo to appear he was being attacked. 

The Farndale Avenue Housing Estate Townswomen's Guild Dramatic Society's Production of A Christmas Carol - Dec. 2010

That is a mouth full. Here I portrayed many characters as Felicity (pictured with 'outlandish prop'), a young woman in the Guild, playing the parts of Fred (pictured), a snowman, Ghost of Christmas Present, Fran, Old Joe and possibly some others, who knows. 

These last three shows were my overlapping shows at the end of 2010. I did not have a life outside of the theatre for at least three months. I took a Christmas break, but not before auditioning for my next role (below). 

Premiere! - Feb 2011 - Rebecca Fryman 

That dress apparently caused a stir... I'm not sure why...

The Dixie Swim Club - Spring 2011 - Jeri Neal 

Hopefully I will look nothing like this when I am actually pregnant. 

Hallelujah Girls - 2011 - Sugar Lee Thompkins 

"Spa Dee Da" 

This is the first time I ever lost my sh*t on stage in front of an audience. My costar and I were backstage when someone on stage referred to me as "Bunny Lee". My characters name was Sugar Lee and my arch enemies name was Bunny. I clapped my hands together creating a much louder sound than I intended causing the two of us to begin laughing when our cue to come on stage came up. The laughter continued as I nearly dropped a tool box on his foot. We were in complete hysterics, but as it turned out so was the audience! Before he could deliver his line about my getting him some coffee, I abruptly shouted, "I'll go get you some coffee" just so I could get off stage. My Mom who was in the audience that night said it was very much like watching the Carol Burnett show where they were constantly cracking each other up and the audience loved it. 

Bus Stop - 2012 - Cheri

This was the first show for my hometown's local theatre group. They had been out of commission for many years and I was honored to be a part of their opening season. This show was actually performed as a dinner theatre in the cafe that you see in the photo. Small quarters. In this show Cheri sings 'That Old Black Magic' with Virgil strumming his guitar in the background. 

Doubt - 2012 - Sister James

"I like Frosty the Snowman!" - my quote from this show written on the wall backstage. 

Odd Couple (Female Version) - 2013 - Olive Madison (Oscar if you're more familiar with the original)

It was fun to play the sloppy 'who gives a damn' character. "You leave little notes on my pillow. 'We're all out of Corn Flakes F.U.' It took my three hours to figure out F.U. was for Florence Ungar!!" 

See the birdie? 

Annie Get Your Gun - Summer 2013 - Dolly Tate
Me with some of my younger fans.

Moon Over Buffalo - Fall 2013 - Rosalind
I like the first photo here just because you can literally see me saying "You Are!"
In this role I had a great comedic monologue that I may store in my head for future auditions.

That is it, I believe, for the photos I have of most of theatre productions I have done in the past 7 - 8 years. Looking back and also though modeling shoots, runway shows and film endeavors I have to say I have done quite a bit. Who else can say they have photos of themselves with their hair decorated like that of a bulls horns? Yeah, we'll get to the runway/shoots later.
I have auditions in January for a show that was written by a local. Other than that, for now, I will enjoy the holiday season hoping Santa will bring me what I asked for. ;)

Christmas Ornament

So I was reminded of this pitiful blog I have yesterday and decided I should post something. Being that it is 8 days until one of my most favorite holidays, I have chosen to write something Christmas related.
I have actually found myself participating in one of those month long Instagram challenges just because it is Christmas themed... and it's kind of fun.
Day 8 was a picture of ornaments. I selected a few that I have gathered from some of my travels and made a pic stitch:

I think it may have started when I was 14 traveling with my grandparents and my brother by car to see Niagara Falls. At a rest stop on the way I found a brochure for Frankenmuth, MI also nicknamed "Little Bavaria". As if the German theme wasn't enough for me to want to go there, I also noticed it was home to the "World's Largest Christmas Store", or so they claimed. Bronner's Christmas Wonderland. A 7.35 acre building packed full with 800 animated figurines, christmas trees, lights, ornaments, nativity scenes and other collectibles?!? This I had to see! Not to mention the replica of Oberndorf, Austria, Silent Night Memorial Chapel. It sounded like a German/Christmas oasis the likes I wouldn't see until I was older and had money to travel to the Christkindlmarkt. Surprisingly, my blue puppy dog eyes worked on my drive by the Grand Canyon Grandfather and even my Granny seemed to not absolutely hate the idea. My little brother, however, I think was only in it for the food. 

I can picture Frankenmuth, MI's Bavarian village and Bronner's Christmas Wonderland like it was yesterday. The expansive store had Christmas trees hanging from the ceiling only to be met by more on the floor. Everywhere you looked there were twinkling lights and ornaments of all shapes, sizes and colors. I had to chose one to take home to remember this trip... this moment. So the trip was see Niagara and the falls were great and all, but this was the highlight for me. 

Ever since then I would make it a point to find a little Christmas shop or souvenir store where I could buy an ornament to add to my collection while on vacation. The ornaments either say where I was or are an obviously landmark for where I had visited. Sadly, this year I could not find my Tower Bridge ornament as I think it may be packed away in a storage unit. There's always next year...