2016 Goals

Ok, so I'm a slacker. Four posts in 2015?!? Four??
Oh my. Well, in keeping true to my slackerdom, I am just now getting around my my 2016 goals.
I was inspired by a youtube beauty guru to make my goals and write them down. I have been watching Sam Scheurman's daily family vlogs and beauty videos for years and since she has moved to Tahoe and been attending more beauty events, I have seen other gurus in her videos. Recently I decided to check out some of the other ladies channels. I like to see what products they are using on their skin and which lipsticks won't dry out my lips or rub off on my boyfriend (if I decided to wear lipstick). Summer Saldana's channel was different. I watched a couple of her videos posted since the new year where she discussed changing her youtube content to what was on her heart to share and when she wanted to share it. She no longer feels the need to be trendy or on some made up schedule in order to be popular on youtube. I liked that. Plus she seems to be pretty thrifty, which I love.
Anyway, her first video that spoke to me was the one where she announced the above changes and used the term "taking the pressure off". I felt compelled to comment on the video.

I am freshly new to your channel after having seen you in Sam Scheurman's vlogs. I have to say, I love what you said at the beginning of your video. "Taking the pressure off" is something I need in my life as well, so I completely sympathize with you. In my case, I work three jobs, act, have a boyfriend (after not having one for quite a while and we're over 5mos so meeting family and friends and moving forward is happening), I'm a runner (training for my second marathon), I take on various projects, try to have a social life, am very close with my family whom I try not to neglect after losing my Dad, Grandma and Aunt last year and bottom line is I try to be everything for everyone. Sometimes I think I forget who I am and what I want/need. I do love that you are a woman of faith and are open about that fact. That is an area of my life that I am excited about right now with combining my talent/passion of acting and being an active member of my church by performing in my churches Passion play that will open Passover weekend.

All that to say, I feel ya and I am loving that phrase, "taking the pressure off" and I will think of that moving forward through this year as I work on myself and learn to say, "no thank you" once in a while.

So basically, I never say "no" and I take on a ton of stuff making me feel overwhelmed and stressed. Yeah, I like making other people happy, but it can no longer be at the expense of my own happiness. I tend to have this feeling of my life being on hold or waiting for this illusive someday to happen to me when my life starts. That segways me into my next goal of living in the moment. I need to stop obsessing over the future. What will happen, will happen and as much as I'd like my two grandparents that I have left and other family members to be present when I get married and have children, there's nothing I can do to control that. There will be a hole in my heart when those times come because my Dad will not be there in body to enjoy them with me, but moments happen in their own time. I need to enjoy this moment that I am given.

That has led me into my next set of goals that I felt encouraged to write down because of Summer's 'My 2016 Life Goals' vlog post. Now some may seem like I just copied her goals, but they really did apply to me and my life. Plus some are twisted and tweaked to accommodate my not being a mommy or wife. Once again, I had the urge to reply. In my defense, she says in her videos that she loves to hear from viewers and she's just so sweet and kind. She may never read my comment, but it got me thinking and it landed me here blogging again...and working on myself which is a positive.

I loved this! February 5th isn't too late to start goals for the year, right? Many of your goals I agree with and can be applied to my life as well. You mentioned not yelling and I turned that into not being quick to get upset/not everything has to be a competition. I don't have children or a family of my own yet, but I am in a relationship where I'm finding my competitive side is coming out more so. Odd, right? Competition can be fun and playful, but I tend to take it too seriously and get upset thus ruining the fun. I need to stop that. I do have a hectic schedule so regularly attending church is difficult, but I can worship anytime/anywhere and I need to take more advantage of that as well as making it a priority to attend church events whether it be Saturday evening service or midweek worship/classes. Taking the pressure off is a must for me in terms of projects/work/social events. I like the idea of weighing in once a month as I gained a little weight last year and am getting back into my running routine. Decluttering needs to happen. I have a spare bedroom full of clutter. Must tackle. I am terrible about having negative thoughts and being hard on myself/putting myself down. I want to try to combat that this year as well. I hadn't written any goals down until I watched your video so thank you.

That sums up my goals for this year. In addition to weighing myself once a month, which Summer mentions she does the Friday after her period ends so I will shoot for the first Friday of my birth control pack, I am going to try to eat clean Monday - Friday and have my weekends free, but obviously within reason. I have already gotten into my running routine and have written down the goal of running 4-5 times per week even though I will likely run more than that. Again, keeping the pressure of myself. If I set my sights to high and fall short then we get into that whole being hard on myself and beating myself up thing. Avoiding that. I wrote in other workouts such as kickboxing, weights, videos for 2-3 times a week at least. Sundays I have attempted to make my grocery shopping/prepping for the week days before and I'd like to try to do that again. My schedule is already all over that place, so adding in trips to the store for lunches or smoothie ingredients just causes too much stress with debating on skipping a lunch run/gym session or trying to squeeze it in before work (without being late) or going late at night. 

Like I said, decluttering must happen. Somehow. I keep my place fairly nice, always clean, but sometime mail is sitting on the couch, but my spare bedroom is a giant clutter closet. I have clothes I don't wear not because they don't fit right or they're out of date, but because I can't see them! I don't know where they are! This is one time where that phrase "out of sight, out of mind" comes in handy for me. I am a faithful girlfriend, but I am not loyal to articles of clothing in totes. 

If I'm feeling negative thoughts towards a piece of clothing I can manage to dig out, I shall toss the item. If I am having negative feeling about myself on the other hand, I shall toss the negativity. I have struggled with this for well, maybe ever. I want to be aware of it and I want to lessen my negative thoughts. No one could hurt me as much as I hurt myself. You should hear the things I think to myself about myself sometimes. It's awful! I'm never going to have high, visible cheek bones or a narrower jawline, yet I turn my nose up at what I am given. I must think positive and true. 

Last, but certainly not least, is focusing more on my faith and making more connections at my church. I am excited to be a part of my churches Passion play this year and I have met some very sweet people in rehearsals. Once the play is over, I want to still be apart of my church community. Strengthening my faith really ties all these goals in together. Giving up my struggles to the Lord and praying about what things to say yes to and what to say no to. Figuring out my path through prayer. Working on myself to be a better child of Christ, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, girlfriend, friend, employee, actor, runner and for myself.

Let the work begin. 

Summer's 'New Season of Life' video

Summer's 'My 2016 Life Goals' video

The Smell of Autumn Reposted from 2007

~ The Smell of Autumn ~

August 29, 2007 at 2:59pm

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Labor day is just around the corner and soon to follow will be autumn. I love autumn. Notice I prefer to call it autumn rather than fall. It sounds sophisticated. I say the word autumn and memories flood my mind instantly.

First I envision the colors; the fiery reds, the golden yellows, deep browns and vibrant oranges. The trees are stunning that time of year here. The air is crisp and the breeze of autumn is an old and welcomed friend. An autumn wardrobe is warm and cozy, but a heavy down coat is not yet required.

There are pumpkins everywhere you turn and the stores are filled with festive decorations for the up coming months. Speaking of festivities, autumn marks the beginning of a long line of festive events that continue through the remainder the year. Labor day weekend is a last escape to the lake, a family/friend bar-b-que or just a long weekend spent a home sleeping in and watching movies. The Kansas City Irish Fest takes place over the holiday weekend and provides beer and bands, what could be better?

Then there's the kick off of the Kansas City Renaissance Festival, which runs through Columbus Day. Several "Oktoberfests" take place during September, go figure. Haunted Houses open for those who dare and those of us who love history of the 1800's in our area can attend Missouri Town 1855 for several activities throughout autumn and winter.

For my mom and I, autumn also marks the fall home tour. We love to see new designs and ideas for homes exterior and interior. Then we have an extravagant lunch and a drink while we chat about everything.


Autumn is the end of pre-season and the beginning of another hopeful season to end in February.

Of course autumn begins the holiday season as well, which if you know me at all you know that I am a huge fan of the holiday season. First, and separate really, is Halloween. I, of course, no longer participate in trick or treating, but I love passing out candy to the neighborhood kids. Then there are the costume parties with way too much drinking.
Thanksgiving comes next with its ridiculous amounts of food and yummy pies. I love spending time with the family, although until our twosome Thanksgiving in California last year I had been spending this holiday with my boyfriends’ family. It's nice to have somewhere to go though, getting in the car for what is suppose to be a 3 1/2 hour drive that turns into a 6 hour trip due to holiday traffic on I-70. You know with me in the car we are listening to holiday music all the way there. Not just Christmas music, I throw Adam Sandler's Thanksgiving song into the mix. I help decorate the tree with his mom and put lights up outside with his brothers. Peppermint Schnapps in my hot cocoa to get me through the big family get together...

Then there's the best holiday of all, Christmas. I don't love it because I of the gifts or the gift cards or the envelope of cash from my dad that will pay my personal property tax before January and any bills I have around plus a big after Christmas shopping trip with my best friend. I love it because it means I'll get to see most of my family at least once that year granted we're all alive and no one got married that year. I love the tradition of going to my Granny Ruth's on Christmas Eve. I flew half way across the country last year that day just to get there by dinner at 5pm. I love the tree, the smell of pine and apple cinnamon candles, the lights on the houses, the scarves, hats and gloves and the candle light service. Now on my own I spring for a real tree while my parents disappointingly enough have purchased a fake one. Finding the corresponding color for the corresponding hole isn't as much fun, but still I help thus I end up decorating several places, but of course I don't mind.


The thought of that time of year, even starting with autumn makes me blissfully happy. Maybe I'm extra sentimental this year since I missed out on so much last year. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving when it's 70 degrees and sunny everyday and palm trees are swaying outside your window in the green grass. That fact that there was no family to share it with accentuated the lack of holiday spirit even further.

So as I said, I can't wait for autumn to officially begin. Hey that's about when all the good TV comes back on too (The Office!). Plus the humidity will die off!!! Don't get me wrong Spring and Summer are great too with the hiking, the float trips, the swimming, tanning, boating, tank tops and flip flops, but there's just something magical about the latter part of the year.

Shirley Jean - My MeMom

New season = new attempt at blogging.

Since my last post, my family suffered a major loss. Thursday, January 22nd my MeMom (my Dad's mom) suffered a massive stroke at the nursing home she was living in. Things looked dismal that evening, but she hung on until family could fly into town and on Monday, January 26th at around 9:20pm, after being off oxygen since that morning, she left us.

It's funny how things happen. I went to the hospital that evening noting that I did not see my aunt's car in the parking lot. I did see my uncle's rental however. When I got to her room the door was only just ajar enough so that I could see it was dimly lit inside. I lightly knocked, but I heard nothing from inside the room. I headed back to the elevator texting my mom that my aunt and cousin were longer there and that my uncle must have called it a night in the chair in MeMom's room. Just as I stepped into the elevator, my cousin whom I texted earlier letting her know I was stopping by replied to me saying they were picking up dinner and that our Uncle was in the room. She said I should hang out with him until they returned.
For the next twenty minutes I sat on the small plastic like couch in my MeMom's hospital room while my uncle sat next to me in a reclining chair going over the days events with me and what we could expect in the near future. He made a call to his wife, my aunt, who was still at their home in Seattle. While he talked to her about flying in, I texted my mom and listened to my MeMom's distressed breathing. Since I had been there that evening, there had been gaps of silence that I eventually got used to as she would start back up with the harsh tones coming from her throat. My uncle continued to talk through one of these silent periods, but after an extended measure of time, longer than the pauses that had come previously, my uncle interrupted his call telling my aunt not to worry, but that he thought he should end their call. He went over to MeMom when my aunt and cousin walked in the door. My cousin came over to me on the couch and gave me a tight squeeze as she sat next to me before my uncle interjected into our greetings and told us to come over to hold MeMom's hands. My aunt told her that it was ok and that she could go now. Then she left her earthly body, but was still there with us as we shed tears knowing how much we would miss this funny, big hearted woman. Then my aunt asked me to say a prayer. My cousin would joke later that despite being her daughter and standing right there as well, that they figured I was closest to getting to where our MeMom was headed anyway. On the spot and emotional, I said something like:

Dear God, we give you Shirley - 

a wonderful mother, grandmother and great grandmother. 

Take care of her. 

Let her be with her husband, her mother

and brothers and sisters

And watch over us always.

Amen. 

We were lucky to be there with her when she left this world and count ourselves so. Perfect timing. She was as tough and brave in that hospital as she was in life. Despite a massive stroke, she held on so that the people she loved and cared for most could not only come together to be at her bedside and say what they needed to say, but so that we could also come to terms with the inevitable as a family. 

My only hope is that the day we laid her to rest beside her husband is not the last day that our family all comes together like that. MeMom would smile to see us all together again. She was so proud of her family and I hope that we can make her proud again. 

To...

To let go of someone is hard.

To know when enough is enough.

To convince yourself deep down that they are not the last stop.

To change the plans you made in your head.

To block out the day dreams.

To be alone.

To start again.

To share your story with someone new.

To wait.

To see.

To kiss.

To fail.

To get back up.

To be open to finding it.

To be open to it finding you.

To learn.

To feel your heart race.

To fall.

To love.

To make love.

To be able to look back and realize your past was best left behind.

To look to the future. With them.

Maybe You Shouldn't Date

Most of the people I know are married or are getting married, but as for myself and and a couple of my girlfriends the right guy has yet to be found. Discussions with them and reading those dating posts on Facebook have brought me here to rant.

If you are out in the dating world and you can't be honest with the person you're seeing as to whether you like them or not, which is mainly shown through action - behavior when together, communication (text and/or calls), then you are not mature enough to date. At all. Period. If you're still seeking out rando people then perhaps your dating profile (if you have one) should state that you are looking for just a hook up. A unattached, never communicate again - except maybe for more 'ahem' - STD riddled sex.
Do not seek out men/women looking for a real, honest, trusting and hopefully lasting relationship.
If you are looking for the above however, and you find yourself with someone you're becoming less enthusiastic about then do not just stop responding to their calls, texts, social media messages, e mail, etc...that's the chicken shit way out. You justify it by just feeling annoyed by their out reaches to you, rolling your eyes at the notifications on your phone before hitting the sleep button and returning it to your pocket/purse. Meanwhile, this other person is left wondering what the hell is going on. At times they'll feel angry wondering why you're such an asshole/bitch suddenly because let's face, last time you were together you probably gave no indication that you weren't feeling it. Other times they'll feel sad wondering what they did wrong. If you're feeling that way, you did nothing wrong except for getting involved with an immature coward. Listen, not everyone is going to be your cup of tea, even if it started out nice. You get to know someone better and sometimes you realize they aren't for you. That's cool. What's not cool is dropping off the face of the planet because you can't manage to be a man/woman and tell this person, nicely, that you'd make better friends or that there's a lack of chemistry on your end. Yes, it is going to suck. Typically people don't like to hurt others and yes, sometimes the other person will not thank you politely and walk away, but will cry, scream and/or throw a tantrum. It doesn't matter, you owe them that honesty. It's the ripping off the band aid way. Slinking off into the abyss, dropping all communication is the slow agonizing way of eventually letting someone know you don't give a shit about them.

I did this on a first date recently. It got to the end of the night, we're standing at our cars and he asks the, "so can I call you again" question. I took a beat and said, "I don't think so". I explained how I knew now that he wasn't a fit for me. In this case, he only offered a single rebuttal then realizing it was futile, asked that I text when I had made it safely home and left. I did text him upon my return home and thanked him for the evening. He did the same and that was that. Granted this was an easy one date shoot down and once you've been seeing someone for a while it gets a little more complicated, but all the more reason to care enough for that persons feelings to be up front with them.

My Lunch Time Workout Today

Set 1:

20 Plank Jacks
20 total (10 per leg) Squat into Side Kick
20 Side to Side Speed Planks
20 total (10 per leg) Step Up with Dumbbells (I added hammer curls to the 2nd set)

Repeat 3 times

Set 2:

20 total (10 per leg) Donkey Kick Plank on Elbows
Inverted V-Plank
20 total (10 per leg) Reverse Lunge with Front Kick

Repeat 3 times

Set 3:

 5 Inch Worms
20 total Cross Over Lunges
12 - 15 Seated Knee Tucks

Repeat 3 times

Set 4:

12 Kettle Bell Squats/Figure 8 Squats with Kettle Bell
30 calf raises with 20lb dumbbells
20 total (10 per leg) Scorpion Twists

Repeat 3 times

Aside from one round of medicine ball throws, that was all I had time for today.

Catching Up (on running)

So sometimes I just don't feel like writing. Other times I don't even think about it. I'm not going to force myself to write something that comes out awful. Today, however, I feel like catching up.

October 18, 2014 - I ran my first full marathon. I trained for it using my Nike + app on my phone. I used the 'Coach' feature inputting my goal, 26.2 miles, and the date of my race. From that, it mapped out a training schedule for me to follow. I'll admit to slacking some at the end while I was in a show. I was always running several times a week, but a few of my long runs towards the end were not as long as they should have been.
My goal going into race day was two-fold. One realistic goal and one more optimistic goal. I knew I could finish the race in under 5 hours. I wanted to attempt to finish it closer to 4:40. I came in at 4:53. My iphone/music/nike + died at mile 18. Coincidentally my calves started to feel like rocks at mile 18. Miles 18 - 23 were a struggle. I had pushed harder than I maybe should have in the first half of the race. I was ahead of the 4:40 pacers for a good chunk of the race. Then I saw 4:40 and 4:50 pass me by. I didn't let it discourage me though and by mile 23 I got a second wind. I just kept telling myself it was a 5K at that point. My friend, Kelly, was outside the chute cheering me on and telling me to, "finish strong". I did it. I ran a marathon. I dedicated my run to my Dad who has Multiple Sclerosis and to my Mom, his caregiver.
Just under a month later I ran a half marathon. This time Kelly was running. It was her first half marathon and she was nervous to say the least. I stuck with her and instead of coming in after 3 hours like she feared, we came in together at 2:46. It was 32 degrees at the finish and in the last mile snow was pelting us in the face. I'm sure she enjoyed my Christmas carols.
Now to plan the next one for a PR time.

Now that it has turned cold, I still plan to run. I don't have to be as strict since there is not a race planned yet that I am training for, but I will layer up and get outside in addition to some treadmill runs at the gym. I asked for YakTrax for Christmas. I do have a fear of slipping and falling in the snow/ice conditions. I am slowly getting back into using my Turbo Fire too. Dropping everything else and only running did no favors for my mid-section. So I'm looking to whittle that down before my Mexico trip in Spring.